Friday, September 24, 2010

Here's why Canada fails to qualify for World Cup

The World Cup tournament kicks off this morning as Mexico takes on host South Africa and on behalf of couch potatoes throughout this great nation I'd like to issue Manolo blahnik the following statement: "Rah!"

Yes, the World Cup is an incredibly exciting event. In fact -- and you can Google this if you think I'm lying -- it's the largest sporting and cultural event in the world, provided you don't count the part of the world that includes North America.

For those of you who currently live in North America -- if you're not sure, check your driver's licence -- the World Cup is held every four years and celebrates the sport of soccer, defined as "a sport your kids play and the main reason you had to buy a minivan."

Starting this morning, something like 26.3 billion viewers will be glued to their televisions for the next 31 days to watch a tournament involving 32 nations, none of which is Canada.

Sadly, that is true. Even the United States is in the World Cup, although, in terms of excitement generated among Manolo blahnik U.S. fans, soccer still lags well behind ice fishing, demolition derby, lawn darts and league bowling. But what's our excuse? How is it that tiny African nations such as Ghana and Cameroon -- a nation that has been known to boost its chances of victory by employing a team witch doctor -- have qualified, whereas Canada is left out in the metaphorical cold?

It would require a great deal of hard work and research to answer that question, so we won't do that. What we'll do instead is, from the perspective of someone who has never played the game, offer a few reasons why a sport beloved around the globe isn't part of Canada's DNA.

1) IT'S NOT PLAYED ON ICE -- It Manolo blahnik goes without saying that if a sport is played on a frozen surface and the participants are allowed to wear skates, Canada will be impossible to beat, other than the occasional loss to random Scandinavian nations with similar ice-making and beer-consuming abilities.

If soccer were played on ice every four years, Canadian TV viewers could relax on the couch, consume their weight in poutine and watch Don Cherry make fun of European players for wearing helmets.

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